“I’m the only one on this planet. No one else is going through what I’m going through. I’m not connected to anyone else because my mind, my body is separate from them. I want things a certain way and if I don’t get them, I’m going to be upset.”
I think there was a point in time when I thought like this. And I imagine there are many people who think like this now. We have experienced the world in a certain way, through different situations, and our world, our unique perception, is shaped by all of it. This allows us to view the world around us through a specific lens and it also allows us to judge others, good or bad, through that same lens.
I used to be a very sensitive person. Well, I guess you could say I still am. Every little thing affected me and I would feel every little thing and then wear it on my sleeve. I always took everything personally. As years journey on, we learn a lot and begin to pile more and more layers of situations and experiences and perceptions on top of each other. The perception lenses through which we see the world may become thicker. Thankfully for me, having my yoga practice and meditation practice available to me throughout my life experiences, it feels I have begun to actually peel some of these layers off.
Recently I happened to connect with a very spiritually-connected woman who had a long conversation with me. She got to know me a little bit and mentioned throughout our conversation how life can be such a paradox and that the thing that we insist that we need the most is not necessarily the actual thing that we need.
What is one thing in your life that you insist that you need?
For me, it has been independence. I lived on my own (with roommates) for about ten years and I always craved independence. Whenever I was alone it thrilled me to death. When a friend or family member would ever mention that “someone left the house and they were bored and lonely” I wouldn’t quite understand because being alone exhilarated me and I could always find a zillion things to do and to learn and to keep myself busy.
This woman referred often to this “paradox” of life. She told me at one point in my life, I put up a wall of independence which now blocks support in my life – as if I’m pushing it away. She said at one point there was a part of me that thought my whole life should be about independence but yet we are all interconnected and there are people in my life that actually do want to support me.
Back when I was young and sensitive I may have had an experience that told me, through my unique eyes of perception, that I was weak, and I tried to leave that piece of me behind. I tried to hide it and to only be strong – independent. She reminded me that if sometimes I need affection, if sometimes I need commitment from someone, if sometimes I need support or for someone to back me up, that in no way means I’m giving up my independence. In fact, she said, there are some people who look at me right now with eyes of independent admiration for all I’ve done and accomplished.
Humans by nature are defensive. We need to survive in this world and sometimes this is difficult and it feels like we just barely do so. However, even in times of struggle, we shouldn’t think of it as “just surviving.” We can thrive. We can thrive by lighting up and embracing every single part of who we are: that sensitive part I left behind in grammar school, that part that wanted to be independent when I wanted to leave my family home but who really needed to be supported.
She left me with the image of a rainbow. “When you break down the individual parts of a rainbow, the color red by itself is beautiful. The color orange by itself is beautiful. But it’s not a rainbow. Yes, we are here to survive, but by being vulnerable and by lighting up all parts of us in totality, it is complete beauty. How can a rainbow be a rainbow with only three colors?”
I now not only see my own life through different eyes, but I see the way people react to me in a different way as well. Why did he turn away from me during the conversation? Is he not interested in what I have to say? Is he not being supportive? Oh – it’s probably something that he is struggling with in his own mind. I will be more gentle and won’t react to him in a such a negative and judgmental way.
It has been therapeutic to sit in silence with this understanding: that when I need to ask for support, it doesn’t make me weak, but rather, stronger. It makes me stronger to embody the totality of who I am…that when I believe and understand that there is more than just ME in the world, I am letting the Divine work through me and I am also leaving space for something good, something bigger than me, to come in.
I still see the world through a specific lens. But these days I try to let it expand…and let in the rainbow.
Om namah.
Well said Jennie. What exactly do I need right now? Maybe just to pause…..
Ahh yes….sometimes we just need to pause. It’s amazing sometimes how much you can hear in silence
I can relate to you on every level regarding independence. I adore my alone time and space and cringe when it’s coming to an end. I now have a better understanding of how I’m protecting myself by isolating and being alone where no one can reach me. I gain strength and balance in my quiet times but sometimes I must allow my supportive others to enter my zone and know it’s okay. By the way, we met at Restorative Yoga at Tower Hill. I enjoyed our brief encounter and felt so wonderful when I left that day. I knew I wanted more of that! Thank you Jennie for being you … Aletha
Thanks for your comment Aletha! Of course, it was so nice to have you in class. We will be doing a mini (half day) retreat again there in November. I’ve always thought I felt strength in alone time but I’m understanding I can find it in community and with support now too. Life is such a fun journey!